Brady vs. Manning: The Final Analysis

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A lot has been made of the Super Bowl matchup between human quarterbacks Tom Brady and Eli Manning. Both are elite QBs putting up numbers that no one has seen since a bunch of other quarterbacks this season did the exact same thing.

Quarterback is arguably the most important position on the football team, and not arguably the most talked about; so there’s no turning back, let’s continue the trend. I’ll spend the next few hundred words comparing Tom Brady to Eli Manning, the debate that has been shoved down your throat in the most Tebow of fashion. Let’s figure out, once and for all, who is the better quarterback… nay… human being.

Both Tom Brady and Eli Manning had fantastic years this season. Tom Brady was able to cut off about seven inches of hair and still not lose his Ugg Boots sponsorship, a move that shocked the disgusting-looking-padded-boot community across the world. Eli was no slouch in this capacity, either, putting together some fine commercials for Toyota and Direct TV.

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But the shadow of his brother has often darkened Eli’s career, and who can blame him? When you google “Eli Manning Commercials,” the second thing that pops up is Peyton Manning’s wikipedia page. Heck, up until last year, when you Googled “Eli Manning,” it responded, “did you mean Peyton Manning?” Now Eli is front and center.

When you take a look at the skill sets of Tom Brady and Eli Manning side by side, it’s impossible to ignore the numbers: 1-0. Brady has hosted Saturday Night Live once, Eli never has. A true legend shines on the small screen as well as the football field. Eli has appeared in commercials, but last time I checked no one watches television for the commercials. Except for during the Super Bowl. We have come full circle.

Advantage: Brady

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Both quarterbacks had career seasons as far as passing yards go, but it is important to to keep in perspective that while Eli Manning has a gorgeous wife, I had to google what her name is. I didn’t even have to google how to spell Bündchen. I knew there were two dots above the “u”, even though I have no clue what that means.

Advantage: Brady

Both Eli and Brady had great seasons filled with fourth quarter comebacks in heroic last-minute drives, but to my knowledge, Eli Manning has never been caught dancing like a complete fool at Carnivale. Tom, on the other hand, has a well-documented moment of clarity.

Advantage: Eli

Last, we want to look at the weapons around them. Both Eli and Brady have great receivers to throw the ball around with, and Eli Manning has never had the obscenely ridiculous haircut that Tom Brady sported for almost a year.

Advantage: Eli

Looks like it’s a tie, we’ll just have to settle this on the field.

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