The Mancave Daily Guide to Valentine’s Day

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Valentine’s Day is a minefield for men. At its core, Valentine’s Day is a holiday for women to get mad at their significant other. Anything you do will be compared unfavorably to what her friends experienced. Avoid the minefield this year with the help of the CBS Mancave Daily guide to Valentine’s Day!

Can’t miss idea: Dinner and a bottle of wine. It’s easy, it’s a gift that you enjoy as well and the people-watching at restaurants on Valentine’s Day is usually fantastic. No matter what state your relationship is in, it will feel better by comparison when the couple next to you gets in a screaming match that results in the woman throwing her drink into the guy’s face. Unless you become that couple. If that’s the case, let me be the first to thank you. It’s like watching The Jersey Shore if it were a play.

Best sure-thing: Send flowers to her workplace. All she really wants is show off in front of her friends (and people she loathes) and this is the best way to do it. It’s cheaper than most gifts and it’s going to make the biggest splash. The attention she’ll get from that is 10x better than anything else you could give her. Home. Run.

DOs:

• If you’re a hopeless romantic and you have to do something douchey like skywriting, at least make an effort to find other guys dating a girl with the same name so you can all chip in.
• Send flowers to your friend’s girlfriend and sign your friend’s name. What’s he going to do when his significant other gets so excited? Admit they weren’t really from him? No, he’s going to take the credit while he’s seething inside trying to figure out who they are really from. Best Valentine’s Day mindgame you can play.
• ‘Like’ the Facebook status of every sad sack who bemoans the fact that they’re alone on Valentine’s Day. Most of the dorks have absurdly high standards for what they bring to the table so don’t let them throw their pathetic pity party.
• Make dinner. That’s another cheap out. Takes more effort, sure, but you’ve gotta eat too, and this is another thing women put too much meaning into, so it’s an easy way to go.

DON’Ts:

• Give her a homemade coupon book. Seems nice in theory but they reek of cheapness and you also have to worry about her accidentally re-gifting them. You don’t want to be legally bound to perform intimate acts on her Aunt Lindsay.
• Sign the card with anything but “Love.” If it’s not a “love” relationship, just sign your name after your mildly affectionate sentence. She’s going to analyze the crap out of this card, so putting something like “best regards” or “currently yours” is grounds to murder you in her eyes.
• Get a joke gift. Give her a ring-pop when she expects a ring and you’ll spend the rest of the month mopping up her tears.

Cheap ideas:

• White Castle. They actually decorate for Valentine’s Day and have waiters. Of course, this is not an idea for a new Valentine, this is only an option for someone you’ve been with for awhile. The best way to gauge this: you only belong there if you’ve been with her long enough to know what eating there will do to her digestive system.
• A box of valentines meant for grade school children. Write a simple, childish message on each one, seal each one with a conversation heart and you’re done. It’s cheap and it’s unique enough that she’ll think it’s cute and thoughtful. It’s the mile-wide, inch-deep strategy.
• Name a star after someone. A woman will think it’s sweet but it’s completely pointless since no one recognizes it. It’s not as expensive as you’d think, plus, if you’re a womanizer, you can do this with everyone until you take over the sky. Then every time you look up it’s like playing intergalactic car bingo.

Card inscription ideas:

• Quick and easy: “Other people have the fancy words. All I have is my love for you.”
• For the stalker: “Roses are dead, violets are too, no time for plants, I’m obsessed with YOU!”
• For the smartass: “I love you more than the Asian sweat shop worker who made this paper loves clean drinking water.”

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And since some of you are going to bomb it  no matter what, use this quick and handy guide:

Excuses:

1: “I celebrate our love every day, I don’t need society to tell me I’m allowed to express my love for you publicly.”

2: “Does it make sense to get each other something for Valentine’s Day, or any holiday? Don’t we just cancel each other out? Really, it’s like mutually assured destruction in the Cold War. We had nukes, the Russians had nukes, so no one could attack the other without retribution. You have a birthday coming up in two days? Well, I have a birthday in 3 months, so STAND DOWN!”

It won’t keep you from sleeping on the couch, but at least you won’t look quiteso stupid when you realize you forgot.

Mark Chalifoux is a contributing writer for CBS ManCave Daily. You can reach him at mark.chalifoux@gmail.com or on twitter @MarkChalifoux.